Can a person who is humble or modest say they are humble or modest and still be humble and modest? I think I'm both humble and modest, but that also goes against both of those principles, right? Anyways, one thing I'm not humble about: my humor. I think I'm goddamn hilarious, and if you don't think I'm hilarious too, I'm pretty sure your sense of humor bone is broken.
Saying that, I like to fuck with the idiot men that message me on Tinder. So here are a few screen shots recently of idiots and funny things. Enjoy!
This guy...I mean, who knew how easy it was to land a boyfriend?!! Notice his fish pic, too? Hey boy heeeaaaaayyyyy!!! Not sorry to say I broke up with him, though. He didn't have a hairy back.
Meet Big Fish Pic, my boyfriend
???
To be honest, I really don't know why I sent three laughing emojis at this guy. I didn't get his joke. Unless because his name is Joey and I was thinking of a baby kangaroo <shrugs>
Of course I swiped right on a bowl of noodles. I consider you a monster if you don't swipe right on noodles. Noodles are the most amazing food on the planet (well, tied of course with tacos). The Noodle Bowl and I haven't matched yet. I'm still holding out hope, though.
This one made me laugh...but if you know anything about me, there is not one desirous bone in my body that wants kids. Not opposed to meeting up, but if we have a kid, you're keeping it, dude.
Remember my last blog about the fish pics? This guy wins. Although the fucker never did tell me what they say about big fish.
I don’t know if y’all have watched Master of None on Netflix, but it’s an amazing show, and incredibly relatable to this single gal! Shame allegations of sexual abuse surfaced involving Aziz, I’m not sure if Netflix is going to continue making the series.
Anyways, I digress.
On the show, the main character at one point is going on many first dates from an online dating app. One of his dates asks him if he sends the same opening message to all females: “Going to Whole Foods, want me to pick you up anything?” This, to me, is fucking hilarious!! I 1,000% would respond to a line like this...So, I decided to adopt that as my opening line. And let me tell you...dudes either give super boring responses or don’t respond at all. And the ratio of boring responses to no responses is about 2 : 1,000. (Slight exaggeration, emphasis on ‘slight’).
Uh, yeah...Gluten-free cake pops, please
The only success (?) I had with that line was from a former officer that worked for my agency and was canned previous to my employment here. I didn’t know who he was when he first replied to my Whole Foods question (of which he never answered, by the way...just started in with the boring shit), but two of my colleagues were randomly swapping stories about this particular officer one day when something they said made me think of this lad on the app. I showed them his pic, and sure as shit it was the ex officer. Knowing this and his reputation with the ladies, I played this up, like any normal chick would do! However the moment he discovered where I work, dude was gone daddy gone!!
Back to the Whole Foods line, this guy recently popped up on my Tindering with an AH-maz-ING profile bio. Obviously I swiped right...that shit should’ve been meant to be, am I right? I’m sad to report, however, we didn’t match. So I can’t ask him to pick me up some Gluten-free cake pops. <shrugs>
On to the next.
Lesson for Today:
This one popped up on my Facebook memory the other day.
Yo. Dudes. I know I’m a chunky chick, but we don’t need to point this out. If you’re messaging me, I’m going to assume you’re not judging me based on my size...I make sure there’s some kind of a full body pic in my profile for that reason.
Stop calling girls "big", or "thick", or whatever new term Millennials come up with for the word "fat".
Also, no you damn fool, I’m not judging a connection and definitely not DTF after this tête-à-tête.
P.S. The only person that is allowed to call me "Chunky" is Bruno Mars aka Peter. If you're not Peter, leave me alone.
What is it with basic ass profiles? The majority of them are all the same:
Looking for a good girl for adventures and good conversation.
If biking, trail running, climbing, skiing and/or snowboarding (or skiing while snowboarding, because I'm a Cave Man), camping, hiking, and dirt biking sound like a good time, you should definitely swipe right.
I love fishing, fly fishing, deep sea fishing, shrimp fishing, crab fishing, shark fishing, whale fishing...basically if it involves fish, I L.O.V.E. it....I Cave Man. I give fish for woman.
Pretentious craft beer and IPA drinker, sometimes pretentious whiskey.
My dog is better than yours.
6'4" because I guess that's a thing here.
Here is a collection of profiles...from ONE night. Seriously dudes, come up with something more original, yeah?
Same same, but not different
"Since that seems to be important"
Also, what is it with fish pics?
Is a floppy, wet, slimy fish a metaphor for a dude's dick? Since you can't post a dick pic in your profile, does the fish pic make up for it? If you have a bigger fish, does that mean you have a bigger dick, or are you compensating for something? Do women talk about a man's fish pic at over coffee and cake? I have never discussed a fish pic with my bestie, but maybe we need to start these conversations <insert "thoughtful emoji" here>
Or are men simply demonstrating to chicks that they are Cave Men and can provide food for their lady? If that's the case, they damn well better start posting pics of them building a shelter instead of popping wheelies on their dirt bikes. A popped wheelie is in no way beneficial to a lady...I'm just sayin'!
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...Teach a man to fish, and he'll post a hundred fish pics
Another typical profile pic that frequents dude's profiles: Ice Beards.
Yes. We already know you ski while snowboarding. We can see you have facial hair. When you post Ice Beard pics, you look like a goddamn yeti.
Accurate Ice Beard pic
When you post pics of shredding powder, please add more to your profile. I don't know if you know this, but chicks don't have X-ray vision. We can't see through your ski goggles, powder poof, and face mask or ice beard.
Shred that pow, brah
Finally, another common profile pic: Standing at the top of a 14'er, holding a cardboard sign with a scribbled said 14'er name and elevation. Serious question, because I have yet to summit a 14'er: Is there a cardboard box at the summit full of cardboard signs with the name and elevation of the 14'er, or do you carry one to the top in your backpack?
You climb mountains.
Cool.
(To be fair, if I ever summit a 14'er, I would definitely post a profile pic of me holding a generic cardboard sign making a stupid face, too).
Far out. Or up.
Saying all of this, I'm sure chicks have very similar profiles as well, made up of yoga poses at a pristine mountain vista, or just a pic of bent knees on a beach facing out at an ocean vista. Not me. I don't have cute knees and by the time I get to where I'm hiking, there's no way I have the energy to yoga pose. My profile is full of pretentious travel pics to show I'm cultured, and a selfie with my bestie so dudes think I like humans. I don't, really.
Most of us all are just basic humans with the same basic tastes looking for a like-minded basic human to eat food and watch Netflix with. So why is it so goddamn difficult to find my basic soulmate? I guess what I'm saying is, try to not be basic in your profile. Do something to stand out, fool.
