The Acquisition of my Boo

The day she came home!

Over the last year, I've had a series of failed situationships.  Since the birth and growth of social media, folks tryna date end up in situationships because relationships no longer exist.  My situationships fail because of the lack of effort and pure laziness exhibited by dudes today is astounding...and ain't nobody got time to deal with that.  Why, if you have the opportunity at finding love, would you not embrace that?  I've tried embracing it time and time again, only to come in Second Place.  My efforts were never reciprocated - I was giving more of my time, be it physical like traveling hours to meet a guy, or mental because whatever dude it was at the time was constantly on my mind tearing me to pieces waiting for him to text or call - and I 100% was not getting any of that back from guys.

My life buddy

My depression hit an all time low.  Loneliness became overwhelming.  I have never felt more alone living in a small community than when I lived on my own, overseas in non-English speaking countries.  My value to this world diminished to dust and I basically became a shell of a person.  I reached a point where I actually scared myself and didn't trust myself to be alone for too long.  The darkness was overwhelming...and it was DARK.  I reached out to a few friends, one who consistently talked me down from the edge.  Working in Law Enforcement in a small town, the officers and responders are my friends. So between my friend talking me off the cliff and my empathy for not wanting my LEO friends to find me, knowing that would stick with them for the rest of their lives, I slowly, very slowly dug my way back out of the dark.

Loneliness is stifling.  The way people treat each other is heartbreaking.  The way I've been treated, being put second, is fucking painful.

She hates selfies. I. Don't. Care.

I finally decided I needed something in my life to get me out of the darkness.  I needed something to occupy my thoughts.  I needed a puppy.  Enter Marley Blue.  Right after I made arrangements to get her, I met Tinderfella.  He lives in my small town and was interested!  Really interested.  So we went on a date and it was an amazing date!  He kept saying he wanted to meet up again and I really wanted to, too.  I nearly decided against getting Marley because of this guy...what if we were going to be spending all of this time together?  I wouldn't have time to train a puppy, or I'd have to kennel her more than I'd want to!  Thank the LAWD I didn't let this guy deter me from adopting my hound.

Kilroy Mars

One date turned into NO more dates, although he constantly claimed he wanted to see me again.  We actually had a second date lined up...unbeknownst to me, it was just a booty call.  (We met on Tinder, so why should I be surprised <insert eye roll here>).  Dude text me when he finished work, to which I assumed he'd run home, change, then meet me for dinner and conversation.  The minutes passed by, which turned to hours passing by.  When I asked him when he was coming over, he said he wasn't sure, he was bowling and drinking with his buddies - something he forgot to mention when we made our plans - but he'd stop by afterwards.  Bitch, no.  It was rolling up on 9pm and I'm an old lady who works at 6:30am.  When I pointed this out to him, he was fine to reschedule.  We. Never. Did.  After realizing my value to him after a few weeks of empty "I really want to see you again" texts, I was back on the Tinders.  When Dude realized I was back on the Tinders (because he was using the app, too), he deleted and blocked me and I haven't heard from him since.  I was like: Bitch, you're obviously back on the app too, you've added pics and changed your profile, so you have NO room to judge me.  Bye Felicia.

Hiking in Irish Canyon

To be honest, I don't know where all of this confidence has come from, but I finally realized I have a shit ton of value and can offer SO much love and respect in an EQUAL relationship (that's right: relationship.  Not sitationship).  I'm not one of those needy, "save me" bitches.  I saved myself a long time ago.  I'm independent AF, traversed the world on my own and I deserve the world.  I finally decided to make a rule: Until I know how much effort a guy is willing to put into me, by coming to visit me in dinky ass small town Colorado, I'm through investing my emotions in them if they're not doing the same for me.

She's spoiled

My emotions are now invested in Marley Blue - which is usually annoyance because she's like a toddler.  But, she loves me unconditionally and is happy to see me everyday, and vice versa!  She literally saved me from the precipice of the black hole I was edging closer to.  She's helping me keep my walls down far enough that when some dude is worth my time, I won't be closed off enough to let him in.  And if he doesn't adore my dog, I'm out!

HRH Marley BlueBoo Bear

On a final note, if you ever get so low, you're in a dark place and don't feel a way out, get help.  Talk to someone.  It's okay to ask for help.  Specifically for First Responders, here is a resource.

Aaaad, today's tune for good measure!

Just Another Day in the Tinder Life

Can a person who is humble or modest say they are humble or modest and still be humble and modest?  I think I'm both humble and modest, but that also goes against both of those principles, right?  Anyways, one thing I'm not humble about: my humor.  I think I'm goddamn hilarious, and if you don't think I'm hilarious too, I'm pretty sure your sense of humor bone is broken.

Saying that, I like to fuck with the idiot men that message me on Tinder.  So here are a few screen shots recently of idiots and funny things.  Enjoy!

This guy...I mean, who knew how easy it was to land a boyfriend?!!  Notice his fish pic, too?  Hey boy heeeaaaaayyyyy!!!  Not sorry to say I broke up with him, though.  He didn't have a hairy back.

Meet Big Fish Pic, my boyfriend

???

To be honest, I really don't know why I sent three laughing emojis at this guy.  I didn't get his joke.  Unless because his name is Joey and I was thinking of a baby kangaroo <shrugs>




























Of course I swiped right on a bowl of noodles.  I consider you a monster if you don't swipe right on noodles.  Noodles are the most amazing food on the planet (well, tied of course with tacos).  The Noodle Bowl and I haven't matched yet.  I'm still holding out hope, though.





































This one made me laugh...but if you know anything about me, there is not one desirous bone in my body that wants kids.  Not opposed to meeting up, but if we have a kid, you're keeping it, dude.





















Remember my last blog about the fish pics?  This guy wins.  Although the fucker never did tell me what they say about big fish. 

Going to Whole Foods...

I don’t know if y’all have watched Master of None on Netflix, but it’s an amazing show, and incredibly relatable to this single gal!  Shame allegations of sexual abuse surfaced involving Aziz, I’m not sure if Netflix is going to continue making the series.

Anyways, I digress.

On the show, the main character at one point is going on many first dates from an online dating app.  One of his dates asks him if he sends the same opening message to all females: “Going to Whole Foods, want me to pick you up anything?”  This, to me, is fucking hilarious!! I 1,000% would respond to a line like this...So, I decided to adopt that as my opening line. And let me tell you...dudes either give super boring responses or don’t respond at all. And the ratio of boring responses to no responses is about 2 : 1,000. (Slight exaggeration, emphasis on ‘slight’).

Uh, yeah...Gluten-free cake pops, please

The only success (?) I had with that line was from a former officer that worked for my agency and was canned previous to my employment here. I didn’t know who he was when he first replied to my Whole Foods question (of which he never answered, by the way...just started in with the boring shit), but two of my colleagues were randomly swapping stories about this particular officer one day when something they said made me think of this lad on the app.  I showed them his pic, and sure as shit it was the ex officer. Knowing this and his reputation with the ladies, I played this up, like any normal chick would do!  However the moment he discovered where I work, dude was gone daddy gone!!




Back to the Whole Foods line, this guy recently popped up on my Tindering with an AH-maz-ING profile bio. Obviously I swiped right...that shit should’ve been meant to be, am I right?  I’m sad to report, however, we didn’t match. So I can’t ask him to pick me up some Gluten-free cake pops. <shrugs>

On to the next.

Lesson for Today:

This one popped up on my Facebook memory the other day.

Yo.  Dudes.  I know I’m a chunky chick, but we don’t need to point this out.  If you’re messaging me, I’m going to assume you’re not judging me based on my size...I make sure there’s some kind of a full body pic in my profile for that reason.

Stop calling girls "big", or "thick", or whatever new term Millennials come up with for the word "fat".

Also, no you damn fool, I’m not judging a connection and definitely not DTF after this tête-à-tête.











P.S. The only person that is allowed to call me "Chunky" is Bruno Mars aka Peter.  If you're not Peter, leave me alone.

I Can Write Your Profile

What is it with basic ass profiles?  The majority of them are all the same:

Looking for a good girl for adventures and good conversation.

If biking, trail running, climbing, skiing and/or snowboarding (or skiing while snowboarding, because I'm a Cave Man), camping, hiking, and dirt biking sound like a good time, you should definitely swipe right.

I love fishing, fly fishing, deep sea fishing, shrimp fishing, crab fishing, shark fishing, whale fishing...basically if it involves fish, I L.O.V.E. it....I Cave Man. I give fish for woman.

Pretentious craft beer and IPA drinker, sometimes pretentious whiskey.

My dog is better than yours.

6'4" because I guess that's a thing here.

Here is a collection of profiles...from ONE night.  Seriously dudes, come up with something more original, yeah?

Same same, but not different

"Since that seems to be important"

Also, what is it with fish pics?  

Is a floppy, wet, slimy fish a metaphor for a dude's dick?  Since you can't post a dick pic in your profile, does the fish pic make up for it?  If you have a bigger fish, does that mean you have a bigger dick, or are you compensating for something?  Do women talk about a man's fish pic at over coffee and cake?  I have never discussed a fish pic with my bestie, but maybe we need to start these conversations <insert "thoughtful emoji" here>

Or are men simply demonstrating to chicks that they are Cave Men and can provide food for their lady?  If that's the case, they damn well better start posting pics of them building a shelter instead of popping wheelies on their dirt bikes.  A popped wheelie is in no way beneficial to a lady...I'm just sayin'!

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...Teach a man to fish, and he'll post a hundred fish pics

Another typical profile pic that frequents dude's profiles: Ice Beards.  

Yes.  We already know you ski while snowboarding.  We can see you have facial hair.  When you post Ice Beard pics, you look like a goddamn yeti.

Accurate Ice Beard pic

When you post pics of shredding powder, please add more to your profile.  I don't know if you know this, but chicks don't have X-ray vision.  We can't see through your ski goggles, powder poof, and face mask or ice beard.

Shred that pow, brah

Finally, another common profile pic: Standing at the top of a 14'er, holding a cardboard sign with a scribbled said 14'er name and elevation.  Serious question, because I have yet to summit a 14'er: Is there a cardboard box at the summit full of cardboard signs with the name and elevation of the 14'er, or do you carry one to the top in your backpack?

You climb mountains.
Cool.

(To be fair, if I ever summit a 14'er, I would definitely post a profile pic of me holding a generic cardboard sign making a stupid face, too).

Far out.  Or up.

Saying all of this, I'm sure chicks have very similar profiles as well, made up of yoga poses at a pristine mountain vista, or just a pic of bent knees on a beach facing out at an ocean vista.  Not me.  I don't have cute knees and by the time I get to where I'm hiking, there's no way I have the energy to yoga pose.  My profile is full of pretentious travel pics to show I'm cultured, and a selfie with my bestie so dudes think I like humans.  I don't, really. 

Most of us all are just basic humans with the same basic tastes looking for a like-minded basic human to eat food and watch Netflix with.  So why is it so goddamn difficult to find my basic soulmate?  I guess what I'm saying is, try to not be basic in your profile.  Do something to stand out, fool.

The Beginning

I'm 37, going on 16, and single.  I've been single my entire life.  In my 20's, I had a string of dates here and there, but I was mainly focused on traveling and studying.  I went through a phase where I had no problems telling guys I was interested in them, only to be turned down - "You're a GREAT person, and someday, some guy is going to be REALLY lucky to be with you".

Uh, bitch, that could be you, but...nope!

After a slew of rejections, I decided I'd stop chasing guys.  I wasn't giving up on finding a fella, but instead of me pursuing them, they could pursue me.  They didn't.  And I didn't care.

Now you'd think, with all of my coupled-up friends giving me the mantra I despise, "You'll meet someone when you least expect it", I would have met the dude of my dreams during that time.  I spent a good six years not expecting to find love.  Know what?  I didn't meet anyone.  Know why?  It's a bullshit line friends in relationships say to single friends to give them hope and make them feel better.

To my friends in relationships...STOP SAYING THIS.  I mean, LAWD that phrase is old!!

My early 30's were spent living it up in Southeast Asia, teaching and traveling.  At this point, I had zero interest in meeting someone.  I was far too busy learning who I was and trying not to die in a foreign country, learning and living in new, beautifully colorful cultures.  After an accident left me permanently partially disabled, I moved back to Colorado with the self confidence I always lacked and a final want to settle down and stop living my life out of a suitcase.

My job brought me to a small town in the Rocky Mountains, where I've found myself as settled as I've ever been.  I love my job and bought a house for the first time this year.  Since I moved here nearly four years ago, I've been trying to date, trying to meet a dude who likes eating food with me, going on adventures, etc.

My little Rocky Mountain town is the most dating derelict place on the planet.

I always hated the idea of online dating.  I'm old fashioned and want to meet guys organically.  Due to my hours, work schedule, and secludedness of my locale, organic dating doesn't really fit the bill.  I quite fancied one of the officers that I worked with, so asked him if he'd like to hang out one day, go on a hike, get food, etc.  He said yes and I was excited to have my first date in years!  Dude came to pick me up, we went for a hike, laughed, had great conversation, had an early dinner, and he dropped me off back home.  I thought it was the beginning of my Cinderella Story.  Ha..I'm so naive!  The next day I sent him a text to see if he'd like to hang out again.  He said sure, but as long as it was just as friends as the day before "kind of felt like a date".  My soul was destroyed.

Never has a meme been so spot on

And thus, the beginning of my online dating woes ensued.

I joined a few free online dating sites - Plenty of Fish and OKcupid. Some of my friends had found success on those sites, so why not?  Definitely not Tinder though...I want a relationship, and all I heard from Tinder was it's known as the "hookup" site.  Hooking up was not at all what I was into at the time.

I've since learned that the majority of online dating apps have all evolved into "hookup" sites.  After the initial "hey" message, once I'd reply with a "hey" back, I'd get a slew of comments like:

"You're sexy, wanna fuck?"

"I like your tits, wanna fuck?"

"I want to eat you"

"Do you like big dicks?"

"I want to watch you suck my big dick"

No.  No.  No.

Social media destroyed dating.  DESTROYED IT.  I'm genuinely curious to know if guys get a positive response to some of those questions.  I mean, they must, if it keeps happening, right?

During the first two years of my online dating woes, I only met up with one guy.  Mainly because I had been single my whole life, I was admittedly pretty apprehensive about dating - I literally don't know how to act or what to do on a date.  The guy that I met, we were texting back and forth for two weeks before decided to meet up.  We had amazing chemistry when we were chatting over text.  I knew pretty early on that I wanted to meet him, but I wasn't going to initiate it.  After two weeks, he finally said he really wanted to meet me.  We ended up going out for pie and coffee and it was awful! (The pie was good though).  He was so awkward and not at all like he was when we were texting.  Dud. Dud. Dud.

I spent the next year randomly on and off dating sites, getting fed up with "wanna fuck?" messages, that I'd leave, then come back a month later.

January 1, 2018 I made it my resolution (I NEVER make New Year's Resolutions) to put myself out there more, say yes to dates more often, and open my mind to the World of Online Dating.  For real.  My best friend convinced me to join Tinder, and honestly, I've had more success on Tinder than any other app because it's not transparent.  I'm fully embracing what Tinder is, and have been on more dates over the last year than I have during my entire adult life.  I've met some genuinely nice guys, and have met some genuine assholes.

So this blog is to share my struggles and successes of The Game.  It's lighthearted and candid, just like me.  Full of swear words, because that's who I am.  Hopefully dudes will read this and get a clue.  Cause yo, I'm tired of being single...But I don't need a man to be happy.  I know I can survive on my own - I have been surviving for 37 years.  I just want someone to laugh and share adventures, and eat food next to.