I Can Write Your Profile

What is it with basic ass profiles?  The majority of them are all the same:

Looking for a good girl for adventures and good conversation.

If biking, trail running, climbing, skiing and/or snowboarding (or skiing while snowboarding, because I'm a Cave Man), camping, hiking, and dirt biking sound like a good time, you should definitely swipe right.

I love fishing, fly fishing, deep sea fishing, shrimp fishing, crab fishing, shark fishing, whale fishing...basically if it involves fish, I L.O.V.E. it....I Cave Man. I give fish for woman.

Pretentious craft beer and IPA drinker, sometimes pretentious whiskey.

My dog is better than yours.

6'4" because I guess that's a thing here.

Here is a collection of profiles...from ONE night.  Seriously dudes, come up with something more original, yeah?

Same same, but not different

"Since that seems to be important"

Also, what is it with fish pics?  

Is a floppy, wet, slimy fish a metaphor for a dude's dick?  Since you can't post a dick pic in your profile, does the fish pic make up for it?  If you have a bigger fish, does that mean you have a bigger dick, or are you compensating for something?  Do women talk about a man's fish pic at over coffee and cake?  I have never discussed a fish pic with my bestie, but maybe we need to start these conversations <insert "thoughtful emoji" here>

Or are men simply demonstrating to chicks that they are Cave Men and can provide food for their lady?  If that's the case, they damn well better start posting pics of them building a shelter instead of popping wheelies on their dirt bikes.  A popped wheelie is in no way beneficial to a lady...I'm just sayin'!

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...Teach a man to fish, and he'll post a hundred fish pics

Another typical profile pic that frequents dude's profiles: Ice Beards.  

Yes.  We already know you ski while snowboarding.  We can see you have facial hair.  When you post Ice Beard pics, you look like a goddamn yeti.

Accurate Ice Beard pic

When you post pics of shredding powder, please add more to your profile.  I don't know if you know this, but chicks don't have X-ray vision.  We can't see through your ski goggles, powder poof, and face mask or ice beard.

Shred that pow, brah

Finally, another common profile pic: Standing at the top of a 14'er, holding a cardboard sign with a scribbled said 14'er name and elevation.  Serious question, because I have yet to summit a 14'er: Is there a cardboard box at the summit full of cardboard signs with the name and elevation of the 14'er, or do you carry one to the top in your backpack?

You climb mountains.
Cool.

(To be fair, if I ever summit a 14'er, I would definitely post a profile pic of me holding a generic cardboard sign making a stupid face, too).

Far out.  Or up.

Saying all of this, I'm sure chicks have very similar profiles as well, made up of yoga poses at a pristine mountain vista, or just a pic of bent knees on a beach facing out at an ocean vista.  Not me.  I don't have cute knees and by the time I get to where I'm hiking, there's no way I have the energy to yoga pose.  My profile is full of pretentious travel pics to show I'm cultured, and a selfie with my bestie so dudes think I like humans.  I don't, really. 

Most of us all are just basic humans with the same basic tastes looking for a like-minded basic human to eat food and watch Netflix with.  So why is it so goddamn difficult to find my basic soulmate?  I guess what I'm saying is, try to not be basic in your profile.  Do something to stand out, fool.